Here's Ashley.

For the first time in my life I understood the meaning of the word “never.” And it’s really awful. You say the word a hundred times a day but you don’t really know what you’re saying until you’re faced with a real “never again.” Ultimately you always have the illusion that you’re in control of what’s happening; nothing seems definitive. I may have been telling myself all these weeks that I was going to commit suicide, but did I really believe it? Did my decision really make me understand the meaning of the word “never?” Not at all. It made me understand that it’s in my power to decide. And I think that even a few seconds before dying, “never again” would still just be empty words. But when someone you love dies … well, I can tell you that you really feel what it means and it really really hurt. It’s like fireworks suddenly burning out in the sky and everything going black. I feel alone, and sick, my heart aches and every movement seems to require a colossal effort.